We cannot "not communicate". We are communicating all the time. Some say everything is communication. We use emails, body language, and spoken language. Some communication happens consciously, we think about what we are communicating, while other parts lie outside our awareness, such as body language. We do not think about that. Often we receive a response to our whole communication, not just our words.
A particular tone of voice triggers a reaction: it is not what you say but how you say it. It is therefore essential, if one wants to communicate effectively, to understand that communication is the result of all your behaviour, and you are yourself responsible for whether your message gets through.
Influence
What is it we want when we communicate? Many believe that, to a greater or lesser degree, we want to influence one another when we communicate. Fundamentally, we communicate because we have something on our minds. We believe that what we communicate matters. When we think about it, we want other people to experience things the way we would like them to. Often it is a mutual exchange, where we influence each other reciprocally. How, then, do we create the best conditions for communicating what we want?
Are we listening or talking?
Good communication starts with listening. Many of us believe that communication means talking, and we do talk. We give good advice, we interrupt, judge, analyse, and argue. But good communication requires careful listening as well as speaking.
We have two ears and only one mouth. Perhaps the ability to listen is the most important skill. Listening is an overlooked skill, and truly listening to a person is an "active" rather than a "passive" skill. Studies show that 85 percent of our communication is non-verbal.
How does one do it?
Søren Kierkegaard once wrote:
"In order truly to succeed in leading a person to a specific place, one must first and foremost take care to find him where he is, and begin there."
This is a good starting point for all communication. We all know how important it is to meet the other party in the communication. But what if we do not succeed in "finding him where he is"? We are, after all, different, and it is not always possible to reach the "right wavelength" with everyone.
Kierkegaard also writes about this:
"That even if a person does not wish to go along where one strives to lead him, one can still do one thing for him: 'Force him to become attentive.'"
This lesser-known quote points to attentiveness as essential in communication. One method for increasing attentiveness can be the way one asks questions. Questions create focus and clarity when asked with empathy and understanding. With curiosity and goodwill, questions can clear up misunderstandings and untangle situations, and in that way be the answer to how one creates successful communication.