See, Hear, and Recognise Me

"Who are you, and what would you like to be recognised for?"

Defining recognition

What is recognition? The concept is defined differently depending on context: in everyday usage it is often equated with listening, as in "I hear what you are saying, in an accommodating way."

Mutual recognition refers to both parties in a relationship being able to take on each other's perspectives and, for a brief moment, see the world through the other person's eyes.

Recognition has become a pedagogical and interpersonal priority partly because our society has shifted from an industrial society to a knowledge society: highly differentiated, complex, multicultural, and in constant change. This rapid development means that each individual must be adaptable.

Axel Honneth (b. 1949) is a German social philosopher who developed a theory of recognition relevant to both pedagogical work and professional politics within the field of education.

Recognition is a fundamental need that creates security and the possibility for development, such as identity formation and self-realisation. We need to be recognised as who we are. We need to be seen, heard, and understood. When we are recognised as the people we are, we feel acknowledged without having to pretend to be something else. In other words: we are authentic.

We are best motivated, and we learn best, in a recognising environment. When we recognise one another, it creates safety and engaged togetherness, and we build a positive environment.

What does recognition do to us?

• In the private sphere: when we are met with love and emotional attention, our personal development is fostered and our self-worth is maintained.
• In the sphere of solidarity: when we are valued within a social community, our sense of being valuable within that community is fostered.
• In the legal sphere: when we are met as autonomous and respected individuals, our experience of equal worth is fostered.

Tools for recognising communication

• Giraffe language: for example, "I hear that you are upset." Social intelligence might sound like: "I am postponing my own needs" (timing).
• Recognising language use: for example, "I am not 'wrong', I am me!" (Jesper Juul).

Other tools include: active listening, presence and mindfulness, empathy (without falling into the "compassion trap"), attentiveness, and supervision or peer support.

Further tools, particularly relevant to my own work: being assertive, being able to say that one is hard of hearing, deafened, or Deaf, asking others to use pen and paper, and using an interpreter.

Recognition stimulates and strengthens our self-worth

In my own practice I often encounter this issue: "I find it hard being around hearing people, at work, during education, or in my personal life."

Many people with hearing loss need what I call the strengthening of self-worth. One can strengthen self-worth by receiving recognition for "being who I am". This means being able to say: "Okay, I can't do this right now, but let me see if I can find a way after all." This shifts a belief that would otherwise have limited one's ability to unfold.

One can do without self-confidence, but not without self-worth. Self-worth is the alpha and omega of the personal development we all go through.

Jesper Juul described this distinction in his book "Your Competent Child" (1995). In the book he uses the term "self-feeling", but here I prefer to use "self-worth", as it is better known.

Recognition gives self-worth

Self-worth concerns what we are and who we are, regardless of what we can do. Self-worth is being able to feel "one's self", "one's innermost core", "one's inner diamond". It is the feeling of being something in oneself, and being recognised for it.

Praise gives self-confidence

Self-confidence concerns our belief in, knowledge of, and trust in what we can do, our abilities, talents, and skills. It concerns receiving recognition for "what we do". I, for example, have confidence because I know I am good at English and at cooking. My self-worth, on the other hand, is about knowing that "I am okay regardless", irrespective of whether I am good at something or not.

Self-confidence can be thought of as a psychological walking frame: if you lose it, only self-worth remains. But if there is no self-worth either, one can collapse entirely, perhaps into depression. This is why we must find our resources, our "inner treasures", through something like a treasure hunt leading to our "inner diamond".

Self-worth, not confidence alone, is decisive for one's personal development and for how one handles everyday challenges, including those related to hearing loss. Just like the body, self-worth needs its own "strength training". This can happen, for example, by:

• recognising oneself and others
• learning to understand oneself and get along better with others
• dissolving limiting or inhibiting beliefs
• learning to use uncomfortable experiences, such as failure, constructively
• breaking unhelpful patterns of behaviour by changing cognitive patterns
• shifting focus from "what one cannot do" to "what one can do"
• learning to live with hearing loss

This can be pursued through courses in personal development, assertiveness, and communication tactics, or by seeing a psychologist, psychotherapist, or coach. Self-confidence, by contrast, is strengthened by professionally updating one's abilities and skills, for example through courses and reading.

If a child grows up with strong, positive self-worth, they will relate to their own confidence relatively calmly, both as a young person and as an adult, and will be able to evaluate their own abilities without becoming insecure or depressed over what they cannot do. A person with hearing loss might, for example, say to themselves: "I did not handle that situation so well. I need to practise more. I need to get better at recognising myself."

What does it mean to be adaptable?

It means that we ourselves must change and make new choices and decisions. It means we must be anchored in ourselves, and thereby have both self-worth and social skills, in order to navigate the modern knowledge society.

Attention has increasingly turned to sharpening the development of relationships between children and adults, and among adults, so that each person can master both individuality and togetherness with others at the same time. A fundamental precondition for this is equal, democratic relationships between children and adults.

Recognising relationships

The Norwegian psychologist Anne Lise Løvlie Schibbye, well known in Denmark, developed a theory of recognising relationships based on her work with families. Schibbye's theory is also conveyed through another Norwegian, Berit Bae, who has researched recognising relationships in pedagogical work. She says:

"What I do to you, I am in fact also doing to myself, because through my way of being I create the conditions for what kind of response I get from you. And what I do to myself, I am in fact also doing to you, because the way I treat myself creates the conditions for your way of being, for what possibility you have to 'be together with me'."

Schibbye's starting point is that the self, a person's experience and anchoring in themselves as a basis for being and acting in the world, develops through relationships with other people. A relationship in which both the experience of togetherness with others and the experience of separateness from others carry great importance for the development of the self.

Recognition as a form of communication in interpersonal relationships

Recognition is not a method, but a life philosophy or fundamental stance. As parents, and in work with people, here particularly Deaf and hard-of-hearing people, it is important to become more aware of recognition as a form of communication within upbringing and socialisation. If we are to recognise other people, we must also show it through our actions. Even with the best intentions, we do not always succeed. But the more we attune to ourselves, the more we listen to ourselves and reach into our deepest layers, the better we become at recognising others.